


You said "Love me when I'm gone" and now "I'm here without you"

by kurokkii (stupidqpid)



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: M/M, Songfic, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-03
Updated: 2009-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29584776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupidqpid/pseuds/kurokkii
Summary: a bad ending for Pete's suicide attempt in 2005
Relationships: Patrick Stump/Pete Wentz





	1. You said "Love me when I'm gone" and now "I'm here without you"

**Author's Note:**

> songs: "When I'm gone" and "Here without you" by 3 Doors Down
> 
> *****
> 
> [i'm simply archiving my works - typos,mistakes,shitty contents etc. included]

Pete is in his car, listening to the radio, laying in the driver seat; his bangs are covering his closed eyes, circled by his smudged eyeliner, while dark lines slide down his cheeks like thin branches.  
His hands are closed in tight fists hidden in the pockets of his hoodie, he's clenching his mobile phone.  
He's slightly shaking.  
He doesn't want to do this.  
But he can't see any other solution.  
He doesn't feel loved. He loves with all his heart, his mind, his body, but it isn't reciprocated, he knows it.  
Pete knows that Patrick doesn't love him.  
With shaky hands he digits Patrick's phone number, he knows it by heart; he almost hopes the other guy won't answer, but at the third ring Patrick's voice makes his heart ache.  
"Hey Pete, wassup?"  
"..."  
“Hey, you okay?”  
“…uhm, yeah…”  
"...You feel torn, is everything ok?"  
"…Well, I…Patrick, I...I have to tell you...something..."  
"Yeah?"  
"Well...you...you know that _There's another world inside of me  
That you may never see_ (because I’ve learnt to turn my emotions off)  
 _There're secrets in this life  
That I can't hide _(for too long anymore)  
 _Somewhere in this darkness  
There's a light that I can't find _(by myself)  
 _Maybe it's too far away...  
Maybe I'm just blind..._ Or maybe I'm just a coward, not showing how I really am and…how I really feel...towards...you..."  
Patrick is speechless.  
"Help me, Patrick. I know I don't have any possibility with you, I know you don't love me, you're too good for a fucked up person like me, but please... _So hold me when I'm here  
Right me when I'm wrong_ (because I think I'm going to do the biggest mistake of all my life)  
 _Hold me when I'm scared_ (too scared to tell you that I love you.)  
 _And love me when I'm gone  
Everything I am  
And everything in me  
Wants to be the one  
You wanted me to be _(I tried many times to change, both for you to like me and also for my own good, but with no success)  
 _I'll never let you down  
Even if I could _(I love you too much to hurt you)  
 _I'd give up everything  
If only for your good  
So hold me when I'm here_ -he downs one first pill-  
 _Right me when I'm wrong  
You can hold me when I'm scared_ *cough* -he downs another one, almost choking because he's crying too much now-  
 _You won't always be there_ -he downs a third and a forth, and between a cough and a sniff and a tear he empties the Ativan bottle.  
 _So love me when I'm gone_  
He's already feeling dizzy, his head is spinning. The sight is blurry, the steering wheel keeps appearing and disappearing in front of his eyes.  
 _Love me when I'm gone...  
When your education x-ray  
Can not see under my skin  
I won't tell you a damn thing _(because I’ve never been able to be totally honest with you, and will never be)  
 _That I could not tell my friends_ (you’re my best friend and that’s why I feel so bad for my feelings and for what I’m doing)  
 _Roaming through this darkness  
I'm alive but I'm alone_ (knowing that we can’t be more than friends)  
 _Part of me is fighting this_ (help me Patrick)  
 _But part of me is gone_  
The onliest thought in his unfocused mind is Patrick, Patrick, Patrick. Patrick, who's screaming on the other line of the phone, crying his name.  
His last dark tear falls from his eyelashes, down his cheek to his chin, to splash on the screen of his Sidekick, from where he can’t hear Patrick’s voice trying to convince him not to do anything rash.  
But it’s too late.  
  
\---  
  
More than three months have passed, but Patrick can't forget the last time he saw Pete.  
  
#He drove madly, almost blinded by his own tears, looking desperately for Pete while talking to him at the phone, trying to stop him.  
He found Pete in his car in front of the mart, his red Clandestine hoodie stained with black tears, the cellphone almost falling from the loosening grip of his weaker hand, the Ativan bottle on his lap, open and empty.  
Patrick brought his hands to his mouth, looking in shock at his dying best friend. With shaking hands he dialled the 911,chocking back tears trying to explain what happened, pleading to arrive fast.  
He took Pete’s hand between his, praying a God he didn’t believe in to help…the person he loved.  
Pete died the minute the ambulance parked near Pete and Patrick’s cars.#  
  
And now Patrick is at the cemetery, kneeled down in front of Pete’s grave, covered by fans’ presents,for the first time since the fatal accident.  
"Hey Pete… I’m finally here for you…  
 _A hundred days have made me older_ (your words haunted me for days, for weeks, for months… For three months)  
 _Since the last time that I saw your pretty face_ (I’m sorry it took me so long to come visiting you)  
 _A thousand lies have made me colder_ (why haven’t you told me before that you loved me more than a simple friend?)  
 _And I don't think I can look at this the same  
But all the miles that separate  
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face_ (I didn’t want to…I didn’t want to face the fact that you were really gone…)  
Patrick sniffles.  
-You said…you said that you were going to do the biggest mistake of your life. And you were right. You said you’ve never been able to be totally honest with me. And you were right. You said we couldn’t be more than friends. And you were wrong.  
His voice is steady, but he’s shaking while crying looking at the decorated grave stone, looking at the photo of Pete with that toothy grin of his.  
-You asked me to love you when you were gone, and now _I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby _(about the good times we spent together)  
 _And I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams_ (I dream of a life with you)  
 _And tonight it's only you and me  
The miles just keep rollin' _(you went away from me in the most extreme way)  
 _As the people leave their way to say hello_ (you didn’t even say me goodbye)  
 _I've heard this life is overrated_ (while you thought your life wasn’t worth anything)  
 _But I hope that it gets better as we go_ (while I think it just got worse with your death)  
 _I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
And I dream about you all the time_ (about the life we could have spent together)  
 _I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight boy its only you and me  
Everything I know, and anywhere I go  
It gets hard but it wont take away my love _(a love that you were too blind to see, too pessimistic since the beginning to notice that I loved you as much as you loved me)  
 _And when the last one falls  
When it's all said and done  
It gets hard but it wont take away my love _(it gets stronger)  
 _I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
And I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight boy its only you and me"_  
"I loved you, you fool, and now you aren’t here anymore. You’d been stupid not confessing me you were in love with me, but I’d been as well not confessing my love for you."  
Patrick stands up and gives a last glance at the grave, wiping his eyes with the heels of his hands.  
"Goodbye, Pete, I love you."  
He walks away, downing a pill of Xanax.


	2. Let me go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: "Let Me Go" by 3 Doors Down

Light.  
  
And Pete wakes up abruptly, sweaty. No, there isn't anything, his room is still dark; he squints his eyes to look at the clock: it's 6 in the morning and he can't lay down again, he can't stay still.  
  
So he starts pacing around his messy room, stumbling now in his guitar case, now in a toy of his dog, now in a pair of trousers abandoned on the floor: he hasn't switched the light on.  
  
He opens the closet and the drawers blindly, emptying them, looking for something even though he doesn’t know what either.  
  
Pete starts tapping lightly on the walls, like in trance, brushing his fingers over the rough walls and the smooth posters that adorn the room, then he stops in front of the door and turns facing the window, the curtains moving a bit for the drafts.  
  
A soft snoring from his bed brings him to reality.  
  
He cocks his head to the side like a confused dog: he doesn’t remember waking up with another body in his bed.  
  
He slowly moves closer to the bed and the undefined figure sleeping in it, there isn’t enough light filtering from the windows to enlighten the features.  
  
Pete delicately passes a finger where he thinks there’s a cheekbone, feeling it wet. Only touching it makes Pete sad, without knowing the reason.  
  
The person stirs a bit, murmurs something in the pillow, changes position of sleeping.  
  
Now that Pete’s eyes are more used to the darkness, he’s sure there’s Patrick sleeping in his bed. The sensation of sadness is stronger now, he can’t help but start to cry silently.  
  
Pete’s hovering over Patrick, looking at his soft features and at his mouth slightly moving in the sleep; it tempts Pete, he wants to touch those lips, but he doesn’t want to wake his friend up, so he settles for trying to listen to what Patrick’s murmuring.  
  
“Pete…accident…running…love…”  
  
Patrick’s eyes snap open, fixing on the ceiling while he breathes heavily. It startles Pete, who quickly steps back.  
  
More tears run down Patrick’s cheeks, on his neck and on the pillow, following the trails left by old tears. He closes his eyes, trembling more and more till he bursts out crying at the top of his lungs.  
  
This definitely scares and confuses Pete: what the hell happened? What’s wrong, why is Patrick crying?  
  
Pete looks at Patrick feeling tears tingling at the corner of his eyes, and a strong sensation in his guts: it can’t be possible…  
  
Patrick is still crying, but his words are more comprehensible now…he’s singing.  
_  
…In my head there’s only you now_  
_This world falls on me  
In this world there’s real and make me believe  
And this seems real to me…_  
  
He sobs hugging the pillow, tears wetting it; Pete is at his side with his eyes shut and hands clasped on his own mouth, crying harder at what Patrick just said, his suspects look more real.  
  
Patrick murmurs some more: “I see you here, Pete…but I know you’re not…I want to believe you’re alive, with me, in this world, but you left…” He sniffled.  
  
Pete falls on his knees, crying at the top of his lungs, his whole body shaken by hard sobs, his face twisted in a grimace of sorrow when he remembered  


_…his last minutes alive,the dizzy sensation in his head,feeling lighter and lighter,his sight was blurry but the last thing he saw was Patrick’s upset and crying face,the last thing he felt was Patrick’s hands holding his,the last thing he heard was Patrick’s sobs and prayers not to leave him…and in the background the siren of the ambulance that was arriving.  
_  


“I left Trick alone,I left Trick alone,” Pete chants, ” …I left Trick alone…I’m an IDIOT!” He hit the nightstand with his elbow, making the lamp wobble imperceptibly.  
  
“Patrick, Patrick…” he kneels on the floor, staying almost eye-level with Patrick laying on the bed, “I love you,I love you,I love you…I hate myself for what I did,but I didn’t know you loved me as well…Please,forgive me…  
_  
I’m torn between this life I lead and where I stand  
And you love me but you don’t know who I am  
So let me go  
Let me go” _  
  
Patrick sighed shakily,holding the pillow harder and cried more while nodding at the voice in his head telling to let Pete go,a voice that sounded exactly like Pete’s,and he’ll always remember his best friend’s voice.  
  
Pete wants to comfort Patrick,but he can’t,he’s the reason why the younger guy is feeling so bad.  
  
Looking around,now used to the darkness,Pete recognizes his own bedroom in his parents’ house,with the musicians posters,the bass guitar,Hemmy’s toys,photo phrames.Picking the first that caught his eyes,situated on the desk,he sees two happy best friends in a van,acting silly during one of those endless trips from a city to another to play their shitty music,with a bigger dream that hold the whole group together. Pete remembers those moments like they were yesterday,he can still feel the smell of the van,of the crowd,of the street, _his smell_.  
  
How could he be so blind not to notice Patrick loved him too? He’s always been accused to be a spoiled brat,self involved and unable to understand the others,and it was right. He was sure to be the only one to suffer,not noticing people around suffering as well. He had to die to finally understand: it’s not even that bad,being dead,but not being able to stay close to Patrick is way worse than death.  
  
A knock came from the door,making Pete turn towards it. Patrick sat on the bed,rubbing his teary eyes before looking at the photos on the desk;more tears threatened to fall,but Patrick was stronger and stood up,wiping them away and heading to the door. When he opened it,a devastated Mrs Wentz stood in front of him.  
  
“You ok,Patrick?”  
  
”Yes,Mrs Wentz.”  
  
“Do you want to stay here some more?”  
  
“No,it’s okay. Thank you for letting me in. I’m going now.”  
  
She nodded and left,but not before hugging Patrick tightly. He looked at her going downstairs,then turned to give a last look at the empty room: “Thanks for everything,Pete,I’ll miss you.Go to a better place,and don’t you dare to forget me,because I won’t,” he said quietly,with a crooked smile.  
  
Before the door closed,Pete could see a tear fall from those eyelashes that he’s often dreamed about,and with that last memory he left the house,feeling lighter but with the burning love for Patrick accompanying him for the eternity.


End file.
